Chapter 1: The Study That Shook Healthcare

In a groundbreaking healthcare revelation reminiscent of nail fungus patients using hypnosis to regain normalcy, a new study indicates that dying might not be as beneficial as one might think.

“Negative consequences across all health parameters,” stated Dr. Maura Talie Tee from Best Buy Medical Research, who spearheaded the research. “Heart rates drop, oxygen levels fall drastically. Pulmonary function? Nonexistent. Most cadavers struggle to grow a proper Fu Manchu. We strongly advise against dying; it wreaks havoc on your insurance rates.”

To explore her theory that slipping into eternal rest could influence life expectancy, Dr. Tee conducted an experiment comparing health metrics between two groups: one group of 1,000 individuals who remained alive—though one might question the quality of life for those stuck in Hackensack—and a similarly sized group who had to abruptly halt their cellular respiration during the study.

To ensure that the manner in which participants exited life